Just Curl Up and Cry October 11, 2009

It’s just one of those moments where the world doesn’t feel the way it ought to be. Nothing is feeling right to me as we speak, rather as I type and as you read. I don’t know, nothing. I just don’t like the feeling that is flowing through me and I understand, I’m sorry my trusted “readers” though they are non existant and no one reads this pathetic bitch-blog, I just feel that I must apologize for never writing in you; however, today is one of those days where I know that I just need to type somewhere, where I know, people I know, won’t fucking read it.

Fuck this, nevermind. I just need to cry.

Sorry for even trying to bother with this shit. I feel sick. Vomit doesn’t love me and fear consumes me.

Smile. December 22, 2008

Smiles communicate a lot, whether or not we want them to. I mean, everytime you look at someone, if you want to appear friendly, surely, you’ll smile at them. When you see a stranger passing you down a certain way, you know exactly what you want to do is smile at them. I don’t know, I like to smile, but sometimes, there are just those times when smiling seems, quite frankly, impossible. Though, there are certain things that can always cheer me up, make me merry and make me happy. Even in a state of beyond pissed off-edness, these things can make me smile, but sometimes I wonder, whether these smiles are real or the fake ones I’m used to churning out to get people off my case.

The boy, for example, is always good for a smile. I don’t know what about him makes me smile, it could be everything or nothing at all and just the thought of him, but he’s managed to cheer me up and take me out of the worst moments. Somehow, he’s amazing. He doesn’t think so, but I know so. Everytime I see him, it’s like I remember exactly why I love him. Although, it’s terrible that he lives so far away and maybe it’s because the “love” is just beginning to blossom, but I know for a fact that something is different about this one. I don’t mind the thought of being with him for awhile because I know he won’t leave my side. He makes me smile, but I’m worried since he won’t tell me. Of course, the mumbling music will get me through it soon enough, I know it will. He’ll tell me what’s up on his own accord when he wants to, but until then, I’ll sit and be the worry wart that I am.

My mother, is not one of those things that makes me smile. I remember how she used to smell when I was younger. It was pretty, the “Chanel” perfume she used to put on is now replaced with cheap teenage body-sprays. It displeases me to smell her because I miss her fanciful scents and the allure that she had. She used to be so young and smell of youth and happiness, now she just stinks. Literally. She has yelled at me once again for being up “too late,” but I don’t see why the FUCK it would matter if it weren’t for the fact that I was talking to the boy who makes me smile. She doesn’t know the shit that he’s going through and granted I don’t know the shit he’s going through, but at the least, I’ll find it from him eventually. When he’s ready. She on the other hand shouldn’t yell at me for doing this. As long as I get my OWN shit done, I don’t see the problem.

Today is just a complicated mess of shit, but I think overall it wasn’t that bad. An emotional roller coaster was what today was, truly and this blog is so short. I’ve lost whatever touch I had for writing on my day, but I figure I ought to get back to updating this thing once more, so once again apologies to the non-existent ghosts that stumble upon this blog and find nothing new. I’ll get to updates once again. Finally.

In the end though, smile for me, I know you have a beautiful one.

Operation: CD Jam October 1, 2008

Operation CD Jam is a go. What does it stand for? Operation: Cool Down Jazzo’s Computer. So, I realize that there really is no A part, but operation CDJM didn’t seem as interesting to me and I needed to make her smile, since she’s always especially sad. I don’t know.

I don’t know. Short blog. I need to practice writing out my thoughts again.

Four essays left to go.

Sleepless Slumber August 29, 2008

Remember when you were younger and slumber parties meant literally not sleeping, ever? I remember the times when we were younger and we wouldn’t sleep at slumber parties, we’d stay up all night then we would finally fall asleep by about six in the morning, sleeping ’til six in the afternoon. It’s the fun of a slumber party, the whole not sleeping thing. Though, what ever happened to those nights when sleeping just seemed like it wasn’t fun. Now when one spends the night at another person’s house, it’s not seen as the same thing, basically nowadays if one sleeps over at another person’s house at such an age it’s not the same as when we were all in elementary school. There are no games, it’s just come over, talk, sleep, rant, sleep, movies, and other things like that.

Of course, this leads me to my night last night. I spent the night at my friend Lea’s house because it was finally her eighteenth birthday today (rather last night). We went to Sushi, Chomp, it was pretty cool because it was all you can eat sushi and oh my goodness, there was just so much sushi. It was like sushi OVERLOAD. It was quite madness, I must say. Though, after that the night kind of had it’s ups and downs. Basically we were going to do some Hookah, but we got caught without I.D.’s (which reminds me, it is high time I invest in a fake I.D., though I don’t know any people).

After that though, we were stranded for a bit and high and behold, the coolest white guy ever gave us rides. We kind of drove around just for the sake of driving around. When we got to some of the random places, Lea was trying to find her booty calls, but nothing quite worked out. Trev and I happened to sit inside of the car and just talk about “sex”, basically. It was funny and now the word “Yeah” will probably never be the same, to be honest. It was probably the funniest thing. I mean to be honest, I thought it was just great listening to the random innuendos we pulled out of our asses.

After that we got home and we tried to watch “Memoirs of a Geisha”, but of course, we ended up rambling and ranting about work for the first like hour. Then we started watching it and it was probably at that point we fell asleep. Of course, what I want to know, when did it become okay to fall alseep at a slumber party? Oh well, that’s something for another day. Sorry for the lack of updates, little blog.

Until the next night where my lack of sleep is something oddly new.

My Love Style: Masochistic August 20, 2008

Just in reference to what it is that I do with myself. I believe that there are certain things that I personally do that are totally masochistic when it comes down to the way that I am in a relationship or in anything. Let alone the way I begin to like someone. It’s not masochistic, really, in the way that I love another or in the way that another must love me, but the way I distance and look and watch. It makes me quite the masochistic in reference to my heart and the way that, at this moment, it feels like crap and my stomach just churns in a way that is so incomprehensible by most. I don’t know what to say, so I suppose I ought to cover both sides of what it is that my heart is going through.
First off, I realize that I’m a teenager, but one must understand that a crush is something that is meant to hurt. Why else, would one call it a crush? It’s going to hurt eventually and I never look upon those I like as being “the one’ that I will marry because that’s just an immature thing to do, nothing is actually that way until things truly become serious and no one can determine the way life will turn out, at least, not for those of us that are waiting for life to turn out better than they are.

Anyways, off of my random tangent. The first of the two that I’m conflicted with is a nice boy. Sweet and from what I understand, truly does like me; however, his feelings for me basically are settled. He likes me, but isn’t looking for a relationship (though who would want to be in one. They are rather constricting). He sees me and it’s awkwardly quiet in public, in private, I avoid any sort of truthful conversation that we should have. He’s sweet though, nice. Tall. Big hands. Though, there is one problem that is in the way: my aggression.

I’m not aggressive enough is what he’s told me. I’m passive and people don’t look at that as a good thing in relationships. People feel that one should be aggressive, at least that’s what he told me and I do believe it to be a hint. One day while lingering above my lips, in one of the make-out sessions that I have had, he told me, rather questioned, why I didn’t just go for the kiss. He was, after all, waiting for it. I didn’t think about it, but the moment I issued out an answer, I was told that I should throw away all my inhibitions and although he is right, I’m afraid. I don’t want to lose something so great over something as little as aggression, even if I don’t even “have” him at this moment, eventually, possibly, and maybe I will one day.

In any case, I don’t want to have him totally and completely, though something more than the awkward silence that we both have around each other may actually be something that will be curable. It’s not necessarily awkward as to I try to avoid talking about anything that’s potentially “bad” in my opinion. Conversations are hard to keep with the girl that’s afraid of saying the wrong thing.

The second, in this battle of my heart, I know probably likes me, if not for myself, then for my body. He physically shows his liking, though mentally, I’m not sure if he does. He says he enjoys talking to me, but doesn’t really reply back, of course, there is one other thing. He has a girlfriend. I shouldn’t be talking to him, but I’m a glutton for punishment. I can’t have him, as bad as I may want him, I can’t. He has a girlfriend and although I can cause them to break up, I wouldn’t want ot hurt him over something like that.

Then again, of course, he is cheating on her which makes me even more conflicted. What hurts the most about him though is the fact that I can see his myspace and the way he’s looked. In addition to this, I can leave the comments she leaves him. The things she says, the things I want to, but I’m not exactly allowed because that’d be something he’d have to explain to her. And with the way he talks, smooth as butter, he’d be able to get away with anything that he may just plain say to me or her.

He’s cheating on his girl and yet, for some reason, he’s still seeing me. I’m a mistress and not worth much more than the sexual pleasures I provide. What sucks the most out of all of it though (not me, of course), would be the fact that she doesn’t know. I don’t know what to say, but if she was giving him something, would he really be cheating on her? I don’t know what he’d do. Of course, there is the fact that he may like me, more than her, and just doesn’t want to let her go. There is also, the fact that, i know I’m prettier than her, but that doesn’t mean shit apparently.

I just wish that he liked me just a bit more to at least tell one person, which he may have, about me. It’s kind of saddening in my opinion that no one knows about either fo the guys, so trying to publicly rant about either of them and I can’t. With the first one, he made me promise to not tell another person. With the second person, he’s kind of in a relationship.

My heart rips in four, two for you and two for him.

Deep in the Heart of Vietnam August 18, 2008

So two big things happened today, rather not big, but two things that I will find memorable. One of them was, I pretended to be a forty-seven year old artist’s fiance and the second of them being a deep and throaty experience that I will probably remember. Of course though, I’m going to go in order of what it is that happened first and then the second part obviously, second. Pretending to be a Vietnamese bride-to-be and a deep throaty experience have two different people involved, so first off, no worries on that train.

Today was an ordinary day, but I spent a lot of the time in Disneyland. It was fun as hell and I must say, it made my day most awesome. During some bored down time, I decided, why not visit some of the artists down in the French Quarter (Orleans, as it’s known), and while there, I ran into an artist that I met before. A funny guy who was recanting a story about how his students think that he dates women that are far too young for him. We went over some things and it ends up, a couple of his students were going to be in Disney California Adventure. So, we concocted a plan just to mess with them. I would pretend to be a Vietnamese girl that he basically bought with a cow, and stuff. It’s great.

So we went and we managed to get them to believe. We had them eating out of the palm of our hands and later, we visited his friend, another artist, down at Downtown Disney. Haha, we got him too. It was by far, one of the funnest experiences that I personally had at Disneyland.

The second part of my story would happen to be the fact that I just happened to swallow down some deep thoughts. It was pretty intense and I must say, my eyes are a little bit teary, from the experience. It was a good learning thing and the one thing I definately learned is that I must control my gag reflex because, my goodness, his temptation is just something that I have to try to resist. Of course, when it goes somewhere else, I must say, it’s going to hurt me, like a bitch.

I’m kind of excited by the thought though, to be honest. My throat, and mouth cannot get everything, but maybe, just maybe, a little kitty that I know can. He doesn’t want me to smoke, that’s the one thing that I must work on if I want to steal him away. Yeah, something I have to mention. He’s got a girl, but what do I get, sex? I don’t get much of anything else, of course, a hug or two and a bit of love after I do something for him would be nice. Compassion is something good, as always. Though, the eff bunny right now, later in the future, I won’t be. If things work out.

Though this was a story of something deep, the blog itself is nothing more than juvenile.

Are You Sure You Want Craploaf? August 17, 2008

There is this food at our restaurant known as meatloaf that we sell. There are so many things about it that I dislike, mostly it pertains to the fact that the smell just stinks up the back of the restaurant. The rest of it is because it looks terrible, and it is quite beyond me as to why people even order it when they are visiting the corporate mouse’s homeland, but the Californian version of it all. I mean, you may be on a pier known for “paradise”, but meat loaf? How much more mid-western American can you be (no offense meant to anyone whom may even read this blog). There is just so much I dislike about meat loaf, mostly just because I don’t see WHY people buy it. Someone please tell me.

Though, I can kind of relate to the meatloaf that is there. Since we all know it is the conglomeration of different meats that just never quite made it out to be what it wanted. Instead it got thrown together with other crap, green beans, and ketchup just to throw off the world and everything that happens to come along with it, so the meatloaf of life is just shitloaf, not even something delicious, it’s just all the conglomerations being brought together with a ketchup sauce and green leaf thing to make it LOOK better, than it truly is.

There never is a moment in my life where I think, why meatloaf? Though, of course, there are plenty of reasons behind the meatloaf. I just kind of wish, that people didn’t order it since I honestly dislike it.

Work was tiring today, as it always tends to be when one busses, which is why I happen to enjoy doing things that don’t have to do with it. Of course, when you bus, you always get an opportunity to get to know people by what they eat and what I’ve decided about most people is that they are incredibly stupid. I happen to have an antipathy for people now after seeing what they consume in their reverse poop-chutes. It’s kind of disgusting. And the way people leave food on their plate, it’s filthy. It bothers the hell out of me, and I can’t stand helping people much anymore, I just feel as if, people just happen to be incredibly stupid.

Of course, no on really notices that there is a person that’s paying attention to the particulars of what they do. But when someone orders the meat loaf and they ask me for my honest to goodness opinion on it, I literally will one day ask them “Are you sure you want craploaf?” And it’ll slip-out in a nonchalant kind of way, where I’ll think about it moment later, laugh, and I’m half-way positive that whomever it is that sees me, will laugh as well. Of course, this is granted, I do this someday.

Though, craploaf is a symbolic way of showing life just how shitty you can be, there is no reason that one should ever purchase it, for many, many reasons. Mainly, it sucks, so why order something that smells terrible and sucks. I don’t know if people realize that the shit they eat is noticed by the people that work in the restaurant, and it’s being judged.

Well, I guess it’s just time to wonder about the craploaf, that truly is life.

Cock-a-Doodle-Doo August 15, 2008

So last night, as one may have assumed via the blog before this, my mind had reached higher levels of thought. Though they rarely have these past four months, if at all or if ever, I decided that it would be an interesting time for me to jump-start it once again. I told a few of my friends and their reactions were just as I had imagined, they were upset and one proceeded to give a hard fast thrust to the side of my head. A well deserved hard, fast, thrust to the side of my head. Though, I doubt anyone else really realized as to why, but she was upset and although I could apologize to her, I’ll reason instead with her to allow her to hit me when she wishes, but as long as she realizes that even if I do, I’m bound to reach the level of thoughts again.

Last night, my one true wish for a rooster to call my own. I didn’t get the call fulfilled and now, to be honest, I’m sad and I want some. So here is my rooster call, cock-a-doodle-doo. It may not work to the extent that I wish; however, maybe, just maybe, someone will realize that this chick needs a rooster soon. Hopefully, soon enough. Though, I know my rooster call will not be fulfilled anytime soon, I can always hope and wish. Perhaps, just maybe, if I call loud enough it’ll be done. I need some soon though. Really bad.

It’s kind of funny because there was one boy that one always believes that would be the one to do what they want with you, and you wouldn’t care; however, lately I’ve come to realize, it really isn’t that way. After the first this or the first that, the world just doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal anymore. Now, I’m just about who can I chase next. Chasing and not catching is my favorite, of course, after being caught, there isn’t much more I can do with them anymore. Thus why, I do so enjoy the chase. Since, I happen to have a handful at this moment whom I’m chasing.

Then again, chasing is pretty bad too. Promiscuity is something that I never thought that I’d be a part of, yet here I sit, blogging about what it is that I want. Though, my friend brought up a valid point, it’s not a petting zoo if you know the names. So, I’m not a slut if I can remember all their names and right now, I’m at nine. This isn’t people that I’ve gotten to home plate with, but rather, people that I’ve hooked up with. This is a pretty big number compared to last years stats, which were a whopping zero. So, in the course of less than a year, since October 2007, I’ve made out with nine guys. Now this probably doesn’t seem like too terrible a number, but that’s less than a year. If I hook up with the three more that I want to, then I will have one boy for every month. Though let’s say names really fast. Actually, I believe there may be ten.

Let’s count together. Dan, Rich, Shane, Cam, Matt, Chris, Roland, Evan, Justin, and James. I believe that’s it. As far as I can remember. Of course, this is just for the sake of me trying to figure out who it is exactly that I’ve made out with.

Sadly though, there may be more that I cannot remember. This leads me to believe, I really, really would like a rooster soon. The hormones are killing me.

Hear my rooster call because this cat just needs a little bit of love.

Higher Levels of Thought August 15, 2008

After a hard day of work dealing with guests, most of which are aging women trying to give the glory to their princess, but still wanting to attain and keep the spotlight on themselves, it’s nice to hang out with co-workers. Though when the mood is set a flame and the higher levels of thinking are achieved, life is truly the best that it can be. One must understand the concept of higher levels of thinking for there are many more, rather than just what is being typed about, but just the whole thing in general. As I realize the analogy used to describe a highness like a higher level of thinking and furthermore crack-pot theories generated by often times overly baked cookies. Well, that’s not quite what is meant at all by this blog.

As I type this, in my living room, I have personally just arrived home. I work for the corporate mouse of the world of wonder and after my shitty day, two hours with coworkers was the best shit I had ever had. Man, there were us five and nine hits can hit a great spot. My mind is not necessarily warped, but rather, it’s not quite here at the moment either. Typing is becoming slowed down, but the world is just going at the same rate. I feel, personally, as if I am sped up because everything I do is just passing by slowly.

My world is lit, I just go to make sure it doesn’t go down with a blaze.

Temptation Can’t Measure Up August 14, 2008

From what my eyes have seen and my body yearns for, I must say, temptation just can’t measure up to the package you’ve presented.

Hot damn, boy. Hot damn.